Brutally Honest

During a recent morning at breakfast I rambled on and on about events at my job and other comments with which I hoped Husband would help me.

I noticed he merely continued to chew.

“Do you have any observations that might help me?”

“No.” He chewed some more.

I kept on with my chatter because I dislike eating meals in silence. Time once was that we talked a lot through meals.

Of course, in my candor, I must admit we talked mostly about him and his work stresses or his disappointment in his father.

Finally I asked, “Do you want me to talk about my work? Are you interested in listening?”

He said, “Can I be brutally honest?”

“Not if you are going to say ‘frankly I don’t give a damn’.”

“Well, I was going to say that, so I will say that I am not interested in what you do or the interactions you have at work.”

“OK, then. That’s all she wrote,” I said in a kind voice and with a sweet smile.

I quietly pulled the small imaginary dart from my heart where it often pierces somewhere behind the breast bone.

His face had a flat affect as usual. After all with ADHD, it is altogether about the person and not about the relationships – unless those relationships constantly support and uplift the ADHD person.

“You choose a topic, and we can talk about it,” I suggested.

“Did you tell me what the schedule is for today?”  Husband asked.

“It has to do with meetings I have for work. I don’t think you want to hear it.”

“I do want to drive around town with you, so tell me where we are going.”

So I gave him a brief time table.

We chatted about the number of people in our age range who use canes, and agreed we are blessed not to need that type of assistance, yet.

“Where do you want to go to church this Sunday?” I asked as I repeated the two choices he mentioned earlier in the week.

“We also have the choice not to go anywhere, so ask me Saturday. We will be busy moving you to your new office space this week. We may be too tired.”

“That’s fair,” I told him, hoping for a day of relaxation at home.

“Today is Free Pie Day. Are we going to take ours home?” he asked.

I nodded in agreement. After all, if it is free, we take it, right?

“Where are we going next?” Husband asked even though I had told him our schedule less than 10 minutes earlier.

I didn’t remind him of that because he is most concerned about problems he currently has with his memory.

As to my memory, which also fails at times, I distinctly remember that one reason I married him was for the frequency and depth of conversations we enjoyed. Before the way ADHD wore him down, before the days of medications, and during the years when impulsivity ruled his behaviors, we talked a lot.

In my brutal honesty, I admit I miss those days and miss the talk, even if it was mostly about him. It’s as if I am missing a significant part of him.

Does anyone else out there experience something similar with their person with ADHD?

 

 

Apple Pie and Family Connections

When we first married, I told Husband many stories about my precious and wonderful extended family. I am related to some really neat and admirable people on both sides of my family lines.

Usually though, I talked more about my Mother’s people because they lived nearby as I grew up.

“You should meet my Aunt Margret,” I would often tell him.

“I hope to do that one day. From everything you say about her, she modeled neatness and orderliness for you more than your Mom did.”

“Oh, yes. Aunt Margret was the utmost in being an aunt, even though she was Mother’s sister-in-law. She loved me. I learned much from watching her.”

“And you said she was a great cook. That’s the most interesting part about her.”

“Yes, and I should tell you about her apple pie. She made homemade applesauce for her pies then filled pie shells with it. By fill, I mean over the top which she crowned with lattice crust.”

“Really ? It sounds good.”

“Oh, it was better than good, and Mother told me Margret learned how to bake and cook from my Grandmother Dutton.”

She made pies and fried chicken from the recipes taught her by her Mother-in-law, my grandmother that I never knew.

It was a connection. Do you know what I mean?

My Grandmother died four years before I was born. I only knew her through Mother’s stories and memories.

It was not the same.

But hardcore connections like apple pie constructed with pristine detail built a bridge. So did the stories of how Grandmother would attempt to redirect the temper and stubbornness she often saw in my Mother.

Grandmother was neat, tidy, and wise in many ways.

“This family-connection thing is really important,” I told Husband. “It gives me a sense of my own identity. It gives me a sense of heredity for me and my children. I know this is not a new concept, but it is poignant to me.”

Now comes the part where I relate this ADHD.

Family ties and structure help persons with ADHD perform more effectively toward their individual potential.

ADHD may be said to be a family-based or genetic disorder, which means many persons within the same unit struggle with similar life issues and challenges. In that case, family life may seem a bit more chaotic.

But that does not negate the fact that family structure is the most foundational social unit. Family structure and strictness provides a strut for the child or teen with ADHD, and that strut provides a guide for living up to potential.

Last night I talked with my cousin, Aunt Margret’s daughter who lives in Georgia. “I would give anything to be across a table from you now, eating bologna sandwiches and chips, and drinking Pepsi.” I told her. “And don’t forget the Hydrox Cookies.”

We both cried real tears at the memory.

That’s what I call a family connection.

We invite persons with ADHD or their family members to contact us at www.coachadhd.com , or phone 316-655-9807. We want to be encouragers.

 

 

 

Structure and Security

Seriously, I planned to blog about additional effects of depression in the life of the person with ADHD.

Then I saw a picture posted in Face Book of my friend Mary Beth teaching a group of children in church today. It was the story of the resurrection of Jesus the Christ.

“Holy Cow!” I thought with no irreverence intended. “I can totally imagine her soft southern accent and the conviction in her voice as she shares with young lives the same truths taught to her as a child.”

My mind is drawn to how I have shared the same joyous truths with my family members who are persons with ADHD.

Husband did not know or believe the Good News when we married, but shortly after the wedding, he came to me with questions on what would happen if he died.

That is when I shared Scripture with him and showed him God’s plan for eternal life.

Husband believed and accepted it for himself and read the Bible thoroughly twice in one year.

When we went to church meetings he listened intently and would whisper loudly to me about all he was learning. “Shit!” he once exclaimed. “That makes sense.”  I knew God understood Husband’s use of the expletive.

In spite of other times when his humorously inappropriate earthy expressions left his mouth, it was obvious that the truths of God’s love for him and all the people of the world began to instill a sense of sanctuary within his inner being that counteracted some of the turmoil resulting from his struggles with attention and acceptance.

It was natural for us, then, to take our children to church to be taught by Patricia and Harold, Betty and Lyle, Guy and Willa, Louise, and others who did for them exactly as Mary Beth did for children today.

Baby Sis is our third child, and she took to spiritual teaching with a natural curiosity.  She still does as truths from the Bible also help soothe the inner turmoil she experiences as a person with ADHD.

Actually, when she was around nine years old, she attempted to point out to the rest of us that we have sins in our lives that we should confess and make right with God.

The only problem is that she did not point to any of her own offenses and wrong doing.  When I inquired about them, she said, “Well, I don’t have any. It is you guys that have problems.”

It suffices to say that I used that for a good teaching moment.

So tying these memories to the beast, Depression, who is daily an unwelcomed visitor in our home, I must state publicly that without the security of knowing spiritual truth, my family with or without ADHD would be adrift in a vast and turbulent ocean without any means of getting back to shore.

Many persons with ADHD deal with the effects of depression, and many of them have not found the structure and security that come from knowing God’s truth and plan for all persons.  I wish they would ask me to share it with them.

However, whether persons do or do not want to hear about God, at McNay&Voth we offer our expertise and skills to help persons with ADHD. We lead them to set and meet personal goals which will help them develop structure and security as they move forward in life.

We invite persons with ADHD or their family members to contact us at www.coachadhd.com , or phone 316-655-9807. We want to be encouragers.