Mothers’ Tears

Last week I encountered three of them; that is, I met with three mothers of children with ADHD.

Each of those meetings was random and chance.

They told me similar stories: “I just do not know what to do.”

“He forgets to bring home his school books, or she forgets to bring home the assignments due for the week.”

 “He’s a great kid.”

“She’s a super girl.”

“People like him.”

“I worry because she doesn’t have many friends.”

“He loves his sport, but many times forgets the play his coach gives. I mean, which kid wants to fail at his sport?”

“She likes to play the violin, but she forgets to bring home the music for orchestra practice.”

Mothers of children, teens, and young adults are among the group I call The Women.  These are the individuals whose lives are highly impacted by the challenges and contests associated with the symptoms of ADHD.

In addition, they may be females with ADHD themselves.

 They may also be wives of men with ADHD, but that is a totally different topic for a blog.

Mothers oversee the tiny irritations throughout the household: “Did you turn off the lights or remember to take out the trash?”

“Have you started on your homework? Do you have homework? Where is it? What do you mean, you can’t remember?”

As well, they carry the heavier burdens: “Have you started writing the paper that is due in class in two days?”

“You’re in college and you forgot about an assignment?”

“I am afraid my adolescent child is using drugs or smoking pot.”

“Have you paid your car insurance?”

Mothers repeat over and again, “But my child or young adult is really an awesome person. My kid is highly intelligent and a creative thinker. “

“Is he or she doing this to aggravate me?”

“His or her Dad says I baby and coddle too much, but if I don’t help or advocate for my child, who will?”

Mothers contact mental health professionals or physicians for ADHD testing. They work closely with teachers and other school personnel and join support groups where they can arm themselves with information. They contact me as a coach and champion.

All three mothers, who talked with me last week, shed tears and then apologized.

“Go ahead and cry. Vent your frustrations and worries. I’m a Mom, and I have shed tears over my own kids. It’s what we often do.”

It’s going to sound cheesy, but Mothers’ tears water the seeds for potential and growth in the child, teen, or adolescent with ADHD.

For Mothers of persons with ADHD, and the group may include Mothers with adult children, I begin with these three proven recommendations:

1.    Accept your child for who he or she may be.

2.   Never punish her/him for behavior that she/he is unable to control.

3.   Watch for times to praise her/his positive behaviors.

It’s a challenging job, but The Women are up to it. My Quaker Mom often encouraged me with this statement that is also true for you: “Dearie, we are not the weaker sex.”

Take heart. I hope you and other Mothers of persons with ADHD will contact us at McNay & Voth, so we can stand along-side you in your quest for the best for your children.

Reach us at www.coachadh.com , or phone us at 316-655-9807.

 

 

Did I Love Him?

Did I Love Him?

A Facebook friend posted a blog that has appealed to people all over the world. The writer, Pop Chassid, claims he only thought he loved his wife when they met, dated, and married. No so, he now claims, because at those times he was merely filled with emotion and inward fire. Since then, he has learned that he loves his wife through his actions. Throughout all major religions he has received a hearty endorsement for his words.

OK. Here’s mine.

I mean the man said it so well. Love is action.

When I met a handsome blonde boy/man in World Literature, I was immediately attracted to his humble ways and intelligence. Actually, I was drawn to his crude sense of humor.

I didn’t know it was more than a sense of humor; it was how he went through life gaining acceptance.

“Make ‘em laugh,” he thought, “They won’t make fun of me as quickly. People will like me for it and accept me. ”

“ Oh my gosh!” I heard myself respond to many of his remarks and stories. Other times I blushed scarlet.

He thought it meant I liked him, which really I did. But I didn’t love him

A few years later I sat across the table eating a meal with him as we hinted about the type of life we would form together and the marriage we would have. He liked the starry gaze in my eyes, and we both thought that we were in love.

Passion. Attraction. Strong positive feelings. We had those, but not real love.

It wasn’t until after we married that I truly began to really love him through my actions.

I told him about the love of God who accepts him at all times and in spite of  mistakes.

I praised him in front of people even though at home I observed weaknesses he hid from me during the courting years.

I helped to pay bills when he forgot to do so, or deliberately refused to pay them. I encouraged him through the moments of misery when financial decisions overwhelmed him.

I cleaned and tidied where he made numerous messes and continued to encourage him to learn better skills in that area.

I continually studied and learned about ADHD in order to understand his life past, present, and even plan for life future.

When he got sick, I made certain we sought the best and most appropriate doctor we could find in our community, and I attended his appointments to lend support.

But lest you think I was the only one doing the loving, he also loved through his own actions. He modeled it in front of our kids.

He encouraged me to pursue every dream I’ve had, especially my career and academic dreams.

Most importantly, he was there when I delivered each of our children and took them in his arms and helped to nurture them.

He went to work for us each day and sacrificed with me, so I could be a stay-home mom. Like me, he did not want our children to make that sacrifice.

He supports me in my business which he truly wants to succeed, and has helped me explore facets of ADHD exemplified through his personal experiences.

After 39 plus years, we have really loved each other time and again, and I am proud of us.

We are now in our Sexy Sixties as he likes to describe us, and I pray we have many more years to express our love actions.

Like today, he is coming to my office to take me to lunch because I have to work until 10 p.m.  I will be that late because I teach evening classes at a local university.  I love him by making certain I take on this extra work whenever it is offered.

Did I love when I married Husband? Compared to now, I didn’t know what love was all about. But I know now.

 

 

Does It Fit?

I often have conversations with ADHD adults about occupations or careers, or whether they are prepared to do their jobs.

It simply boils down to the matter of a good fit for the individual’s strengths and skills.

One adult female told me, “I’d love to have a job working in an office, but I can’t spin the different plates or balance all the responsibilities. I just can’t. I’ve tried.”

So we talked about her strengths and other interests, and she kept coming back to her work with children. She loves the concept of Play Therapy. Bingo, she concentrated her efforts toward play therapy where she already had the hours of training. It fits her well.

As I have previously mentioned, Husband retired after nearly 40 years as a technical writer. Frankly, I’m not certain what made him so successful at that type of detailed work except he has fabulous writing skills, and he reads one word at a time.

He catches typo errors faster than anyone else I know. He loves to scan bulletins, billboards, magazines, and papers for the minute mistakes. He points them out with a broad smile across his face.

I once remarked, “You really get a sense of satisfaction from finding those, don’t you?”

“It’s a game,” he said.  He wins.

So back to the retirement, when it came time to find part time work, he struggled with what kind of job to look for. He applied for a tollbooth attendant with the turnpike authority.

At first he worried about remembering the routine or learning the process.

“You’re kidding me, right? You’ll learn what to do. It may take a few days, but I have no doubt you will catch on quickly.”

“What makes you so certain?” he implored. “How can you be sure?”

“Because I know you and your interests. I know your skill strengths.”

“Such as?”

“First, you like for people to see you are in The Know. When a driver asks you a direction or question about Wichita, you will enjoy having the answers. Second, you’re good with numbers, so you will memorize fees with little effort, even if the machine does total the fees. Third, you will talk to drivers and smile at their dogs and children. That’s good customer-relation skills.”

“Those are the easy things, he replied.

“But the things that come easy to us are usually our abilities and strengths, and the things that come easy to you are necessary skills for this job.”

And, definitely, the job is an excellent fit for him.

In the main, adults with ADHD possess creativity, intelligence, and numerous, individuals skills, but ADHD symptoms such as disorganization and time management problems may hamper using those skills in the work place. Like the woman I mentioned earlier, these adults struggle with work that does not fit their skills.

At McNay & Voth ADHD Services, we take pleasure in helping adults discover their inner creativity and focus on work or occupations that fit who they are and what they can do.

If you are an adult with ADHD who struggles with issues at work, we invite you to contact McNay & Voth at 316-655-9807 or www.coachadhd. Make an appointment for a free hour consultation. We can help you find your personal fit.