Mean Girls and a Daughter with ADHD

Of course when I sent my youngest child to preschool, I was convinced that her skills and creativity would shine above all the other kids, and everyone would immediately recognize her intellect and unique value.

So I was dumbfounded and astounded when she came home from her first sessions complaining of how other kids, especially the girls, made fun of her.

“Mommy, they say ‘you are weird’ to me. They tell me I have thin hair.”

Oh, indeed? I knew which child that would be. I had a similar conversation with her mother.

“Your little girl is the one with thin hair,” she said smugly in reference to my daughter’s baby-fine hair.

In my not-too-Christian mindset, I replied, “Yes, she has short blonde hair and large violet eyes. And your child? Is she the one with carrot red hair? I think that is the one because she has the same bull-dog jaw line as your husband. That is her father, right?”

She looked as if I had slapped her, which in essence I had done with my words. I intended for them to sting.

But to my child, I merely, said, “Honey, she does not know words as well as you do. It is hard for her to describe what she sees. When she says mean words, just feel sorry for her because she isn’t smart as you are.”

The taunts continued throughout elementary school. My daughter with ADHD often was the last to leave the building each evening as she attempted to grab her books and materials and stuff them in her book bag.

One evening of her third-grade year, her sister and I laughed as she came out the doors with her hand clutching the collar of her coat and her eyes drawn down in a severe frown. It communicated much to us.

“Be quiet before she gets in the van. She will think we’re poking fun at her, which is something she definitely does not need.”

So when my daughter opened the door, I asked, “How was your day, honey?”

“Terrible. Again. Brandy and her friends laughed at me for falling asleep in class. But, Mommy, I was so tired, and my teacher told them to leave me alone.; I needed a brief nap. Mrs. Reid did not make fun of me; why did they laugh?”

“They are probably jealous you can get by with it,” her sister said coming to her defense.

You can believe it when I say I was at Mrs. Reid’s desk before school began the next morning. I asked her about my child falling asleep and about how other kids treated her.

“She sleeps in the afternoon because it takes much energy and concentration for her in the mornings. As to the others, I attempt to stay ahead of their rudeness to her and a couple of the other children.”

In fourth grade, my daughter encountered similar heckling and comments. She often came home complaining of Brandy’s mean words and taunts that made my daughter cry.

One day her older sister, who at 16 could drive, asked to drive her younger sister home from school. It wasn’t until years later that I learned how the scene played out.

Walking into the straggling group in the classroom, my older daughter asked her sister, “Hey, point out that Brandy kid for me, will you?”

My daughters tell me the small group got quiet as others backed away from the infamous Brandy, leaving her standing alone.

“Are you Brandy?  I’ve been wanting to meet you. It seems you have picked on my sister for several years. I’m telling you the next time I hear about it, I’m going to begin at your finger nails, pulling nails and flesh off your body. I’m warning you, and when you go home and tell your mother who sleeps around with any guy who is desperate, or your dad and stepmother who everyone knows do not pay their bills, I will tell them of the abuse you have dumped on my sister. In other words, I welcome you to tell your folks.”

We heard no other complaints that year, and during grade five, my daughter was assigned to a magnet school to balance the busing assignments in our district. At that school, the Principal had stringent rules on any type of verbal harassment, which he considered gang activity.

Sadly, mocking related to my daughter’s ADHD did not end with the elementary grades, but the issues associated with high school will have to wait for another blog.

 

 

Morning Has Broken

Several years ago, Husband rushed in from work with anticipated eagerness. Almost breathless, he asked, “Do you know the song Morning Has Broken?”

“I know one Cat Stevens sang in the early 1970’s. Why, what caused you to think about it?” 

“Do you know who wrote it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, it wasn’t Cat Stevens. It was a woman named Eleanor Farjeaon. She lived in England from 1881 to 1965.”

Then he began to sing:

Morning has broken, like the first morning; Blackbird has spoken,
like the first bird. Praise for the singing, praise for the morning
Praise for the springing fresh from the word

“So was she the wife or daughter of a pastor?”

“Both of her parents were Jewish by race and religion. She became a Catholic in her older years. On the Internet I learned that in 1931 an English vicar was collecting songs for a new edition of the hymnbook Songs of Praise. He asked her to write a poem to a traditional Gaelic tune. He wanted something about creation, but not necessarily did it have to be totally Christian."

“I recall being challenged to remember the words are not so much about creation as the Garden of Eden. But I see it as a praise song that is really appropriate for beginning the day. I thought it might have been written mostly for children,” I remarked. “When I graduated from college in 1972, one of the high school girls played her guitar and sang it to us at the church graduation breakfast. I attached the song to Cat Stevens. Being a traditionalist, I was shocked that she sang it at a church event. As I said, I’ve come to see it as a praise song although I wouldn’t want to see it in a hymnal. After all it talks about the beauty of the Garden, but it says nothing about the sins of Adam and Eve that got them kicked out of the garden.”

Undoubtedly I use too many words. Husband’s attention was on the mail as he hummed the tune.

But he looked up and said, “I was thinking about the tune this morning, so I looked it up. Part of the information said that the poem was published several years ago in a book of children’s poems. I see myself as a child thinking about the springtime. I think I would have liked this poem when I was a boy.”

Thinking about his love of nature and growing plants, I understood his interest in the poem and the picture words he could form in his mind. Knowing what we now do about his ADHD, we see the connection and explanation. Things of nature gave him a purpose and meaning to life that he often did not find in other activities. When I think of nature and new growth, I link the concept to values and hope. Possibly nature spurs on his sense of hope.

If you or a person with ADHD you know might benefit from a stronger sense of hope, we invite you to contact us at McNay & Voth. ADHD coaching will help you or your person set goals that are based on strengths and to create strategies that will effectively move you or your person along in daily living.

Contact us at www.coachadhd.com or phone 316-655-9807.

We sincerely care,

Dr. Atha McNay and McNay & Voth Gateway Community

 

 

Summer Bliss and Structure

I readily admit I loved the weeks when my children got out of school for the summer vacation.

I liked not having to get them up early when they were tired and resistant to leaving their warm beds.

I liked not having to compel a healthy breakfast that would get them through the morning routines, or packing a nutritional lunch.

I really liked that they did not have homework pressures for me to oversee. Basically I love the amount of freedom their vacation added to my own day.

However, unless you think I used the summer vacation for total selfish leisureliness and relaxation, I must quickly go on to say that I liked the different types of structure the summer months allowed us to enjoy.

Summer gave me particular structure customized to the needs of my youngest child, a person with ADHD known to readers as Baby Sis.  Summer offered her a break from the constant pressures meeting the expectations of school rules.

Summer vacation granted her the gift of opportunity; it allowed her to be ADHD.

Typically, I allowed all my children extra sleep time during the summer weeks, time for their bodies for resting, growth, and refreshment. That didn’t mean they slept away the morning; usually they were up and going by 9 A.M.

A consistent sleep pattern set the first step in structure for my ADHD daughter; sleeping routines began her day in the most promising manner. For the most part, children with ADHD do better when they know what is expected of them.

Awakening Baby Sis sounded something like this: “Ummm, no, no, no. Mommy I am too tired to get up.”

“It is almost nine o’clock. I will come back in five minutes, so be prepared to get up then.”

And five minutes later, her response was: “What, what? Mommy I am too tired to get up.”

But she did stir and get up after the second call.

At the beginning of the summer, my children attended VBS at our local church where the activities and learning schedule helped them transition from the routines associated with school.

Education experts encouraged us to exercise our children’s minds during school breaks, so planning a regular activity from year to year provided that boost. Baby Sis really liked VBS as she looked forward to both the fact it was in a familiar place with friends from church and the new and interesting activities built around the different yearly themes.

“Mommy, I get to carry the Bible (or one of the flags) during the processional today.”  Just remembering her enthusiasm still brings tears to my eyes.

As to the remainder of the summer, I did not wait for Baby Sis and her siblings to ask for direction. I planned activities that enhanced her self-esteem and sparked her creativity. She took swim lessons, played on a softball team, played with the children in the neighborhood, attended summer reading programs, and spent time alone with her art projects.

And on the days when Kansas temperatures rose to 100 plus degrees, she watched movies in the TV room of our basement. During these afternoons, she danced, sang, and ate snacks of her choice. Her favorite was Tomorrow from the Little Orphan Annie, a movie she completely memorized. Then she might fall asleep on the sofa when exhaustion took her captive for an hour or two. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yop62wQH498.

Summer routine for my child with ADHD meant she made choices that corresponded with her daily interests and split-second decisions. It meant she continued to learn to follow the guidance I furnished and the flexibility we planned into each new day.