Mindful Frustration

Just now I completed writing about why the child with ADHD has problems making friends. Given that they are often impulsive, fail to follow through, and miss social cues, their peers get frustrated and irritated trying to interact with them.

At times, so do spouses of adults with ADHD get perturbed or exasperated. As my mother-in-law warned me many years ago, innuendos are not forms of communication with the person with ADHD.

My writing led me to think of Mindfulness. Many topics tend to lead me in that direction these days.

For instance, Saturday was to be a day in my resting regime; I had scheduled it as a sabbath time for renewal and refreshment. It didn’t begin that way, and it continued not to be that way for the greater part of the day. I started it by running a promised errand for another family member. Then, in order for my daughter to wash her clothes, I tidied the laundry area.

Husband stayed in bed until 10 A.M., and he only got up then because I finally announced the time.

He watched TV most of the day while I watched the floor that needed vacuumed and the other floors that needed steam mopped.

I made comments about these chores, but he did not respond.

Finally I was more direct. “Will you clean the cat box?”  I did ask politely. Even though it is his regular responsibility, he didn’t answer, but eventually the offensive elements in the box disappeared.

However, a mound of litter laid on the bathroom floor next the box and spilled onto the carpet in the adjoining room.

“He always ignores this,” I mumbled under my breath along with several other criticisms of how he does not complete chores. Sacrificially I cleaned the floor and carpet as I muttered about filthiness and learned laziness.

Accept my word for it, there was much more that he could have been doing around the house. It isn’t necessary for you to hear about the long list of ignored chores and incomplete tasks that assailed my senses.

What good would it do? I have lived within this scenario for nearly 40 years. Besides, I am really practiced at feeling sorry for myself.  The resentment continued to build. Sure, I made a few comments to him, but he literally didn’t get it. This was stress that did not affect me in a good way.

Finally I exploded in frustration. That got his attention. He thought I was threatening to commit suicide. Suicide?  Assault and battery, maybe. Physical attack, possibly. But it wasn’t me I wanted to hurt.

It was at that moment I thought of Mindfulness. I became aware of the moment and the thoughts and feelings flooding my reasoning. Mindfulness allowed me to notice them as they were, without judging the experience. I was simply aware I should get away from the situation and leave the house for a while.

I grabbed my tanning supplies and headed for the salon. I was mindful I should do something good for myself that allowed peace and quiet away from the sights of endless tasks and chores.

As I lay quietly alone on the tanning bed, I focused my thoughts on meditation, or as we say in Christian vocabulary, on prayer. I was aware of God’s Presence in and with me, of my need to accept responsibility for my own thoughts and reactions, and aware that Husband is not the only person who contributed to my frustration. I meditated on God’s ability and willingness to help me overcome my selfishness and to name it as such, and I meditated on my responsibility to apologize and ask forgiveness.

I know this sound countercultural, but it is my mindful meditation, and it works for me.

When I got home, chores and tasks remained undone. I could still see them, but I came back with a different perspective. Prayer and meditation cleared the chalkboard of my mind and changed the dynamics of my reactions.