Know Your ADHD

Many of you have heard the story of how I met Husband when we were students at Friends University in Wichita, KS.

One day in English literature class, he said to me, “What was this author trying to say? I didn’t understand this shit, and it made me nervous. So I stopped reading.”

Since I knew nothing about ADHD at that time, I attempted to enlighten him about the work in question. I swear his eyes rolled up in the back of his head.

Throughout the years, we have discussed how ADHD affected his ability in college.

I told him: “As early as the late 1790’s, a Scottish doctor, Sir Alexander Crichton, described the characteristics ADHD with words such as inattentiveness and restlessness, which he called ‘the fidgets.’ He noted that children with those behaviors were unable to pay attention in school and suggested these kids receive individual education interventions. What do you think of that piece of information?”

As he gazed into my eyes, Husband said, “Scottish, huh? I’m Scottish. Maybe it’s a national epidemic. I think I resemble his remarks.”

“Be serious; one thing has been born out by literally dozens of studies and empirical evidence. ADHD is a genetic-based condition that tends to run in families, which is strongly evidenced on certain genetic and DNA markers. It is complex. Neurotransmitters which serve to manage other networks are thought to not pass along messages through synaptic gaps.”

“So you are telling me I have gaps in my brain? I’ve known that forever.”

“You have lots of smarts. But in the early 1900’s Sir George Still of England talked about the symptoms as ‘moral control in the normal child’, and he referred to ‘control of action in conformity with the idea of the good for all.’ He said those children were emotionally volatile, aggressive, and they lacked of insight into the impact of their actions.”

“So what is this? What are you telling me? I lost you somewhere in all those words.”

“ADHD is a brain-functioning disorder with a highly social significance. Most persons with ADHD are quite intelligent, but the inattention process often impedes learning or academics. Like you were in our English lit class.”

“Yes. By the time I got to the end of a sentence, I had forgotten what it said at the first of it.”

Are you or a family member a person with ADHD? Researchers today don’t always agree on the cause of the disorder. However, the effects they agree on; it is a series of symptoms involving inattention, impulsivity, possibly hyperactivity, or a combination of any of these. Often we hear the terms Executive Function and frontal lobe associated with ADHD.

At McNay & Voth ADHD Coaching, we know how ADHD affects lives of persons and their families. We offer coaching for the person with ADHD, and we help family understand the disorder.

Contact us at www.coachADHD.com or phone us at 316-771-7557.

Christmas Reconciliation

Many years ago, my Mother told me: “The most important thing that boy needs to know is God’s love. He needs to know Jesus.”

She referred to my not-yet Husband whom I had been dating a few weeks. I agreed heartily for when I first met Husband, he demonstrated one of the lowest self-esteems I had ever seen.

A few years later he came to me nearly in tears, “Pat at work told me I would go to Hell if I died today. We were discussing religions, and I told her that I am a Christian Scientist. She said that means I am neither a Christian or a scientist. She went on to say the Bible tells us to believe on the saving work of Jesus Christ. Without it, all that Christian Science readings will do is damn me to eternal punishment.”

In one of the most difficultly honest moments of my life, I gazed straight into his beautiful eyes filled with pain. “She’s right. And why did you tell her you are Christian Science? That’s your Dad’s religion. Do you tell everyone you are a Christian Scientist? I don’t believe you really except that rubbish.”

He continued with his questions, “What does she mean about the saving work of Jesus? How will I know where to find it? I had these same questions when I was 12 years old, and no one was there to tell me. You are the only Christian besides Pat who has attempted to do so.”

So I opened a Bible and began to mark Scriptures from the New Testament in the book of Romans and asked him to read chapters 1 through 10. I hardly slept that night as I prayed for him to understand the loving truth of God’s word.

Early the next day, he said: “I read the entire book of Romans. Then I got down on my knees and asked God to show me what I had to do to have Jesus as my Savior. I did it. I now know what it means.”

The change in his demeanor was immediately apparent, and other changes developed over time. Within a few weeks, he read the entire Bible from Genesis to Revelation because he was so thirsty to know what God had to say to him.

He has often said, “Before I became a Christian, my life was filled with emptiness and despair. My lifestyle showed it, and I felt terribly unloved and unlovable. “

From what I have learned about ADHD over the years, much of his pain stemmed from the negativity and rejection he felt due to the behaviors associated with attention deficit.

I am not saying that Christian teaching is the answer to the behaviors and problems associated with ADHD. I am saying that persons with ADHD need to know they are valuable in God’s economy; their lives have meaning, and they can be reconciled with God in spite of any mistakes or behaviors they have experienced.

As to the lovely woman who was brave enough to witness to Husband at work, many years later after we married and had three small children, he introduced me to her at a grocery store.

“Please stand over there,” I asked him. Then I told her the story. “I am most honored to meet you. I have always wanted to thank you for your kind bravery and concern for him.”

On this day when Christians throughout the world celebrate the fact God sent His Son to be the Savior of the world, I pray all who read my blog will know they are in right standing with God. Will you be able to say you are reconciled with God?

For further information about ADHD and for coaching helps to set and maintain effective goals, contact McNay & Voth Coaching Services at www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7557.

We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy 2013.

 

Christmas Traditions

Oldest Daughter was three, and Crown Prince was two months old when Husband instructed me, “Atha, I want there to be several gifts under the Christmas tree for each child every year.”

I correctly interpreted this to mean he wanted me to buy and wrap those several presents.

“How many is several?” I asked.

“Oh, 20-25 each ought to do it.”

“How many?” I gasped.

“Mom used to make certain we four kids had that many presents each, and I want to continue the tradition with my kids.”

I bit my lip to keep from telling him to start shopping. Instead I asked, “What kind of gifts? Did she really spend that much money?”

Knowing that Father-in-law could be tight with money, I didn’t expect she spent hundreds of dollars on presents in the 1950’s.

“Oh, she might wrap one colorful pencil. Sometime she wrapped socks for us boys or nail polish for the girls, but she made sure we had several packages to unwrap. You know – hats, gloves, shirts, candy, and bubble bath, things like that.”

“Did you go around the room and open them one at a time, like Grandma Lutz taught us to do?”

“Yes. The fun for Mother was wrapping packages in front of us and going shopping with money she really didn’t have. She might wrap a package and hand it to me. Then she would say: ‘Go put a name tag on this.’ I would ask her which name. ‘Well, yours,’ she would say, ‘Didn’t you see me wrap it?’ “

For some strange reason, at the time, I thought this was funny. Now, I see the ADHD way of thinking, and it seems a bit farcical.

Whether it was or not, I did as Husband requested, and every year I began going to garage sales in September to find bargains on toys and play items. I kept a hidden list that helped me keep track of the number of gifts for each child. It had to be an identical amount.

You notice we kept Husband’s family tradition, and you also notice I am the one who did all the work.

Husband knew how to cut himself a great deal of slack during those holidays. He might assemble a toy I bought, or carry a box of goodies I baked. He knew how to keep one tradition alive, the one tradition that had his name on it in a manner of speaking. Where I was influenced by the traditions thrown at me from commercials and marketers, the one tradition he considered important came from his Mother’s ability to think outside the box (no pun intended).

Persons with ADHD and their family members can take a lesson from this: not all holiday traditions have your name on them. Husband wisely chose one that held a treasure of memories for him, and that is where he put his focus. Even today, he never allows the season to become overstimulating or overwhelming for himself. I recommend you keep your traditions simple. Don’t develop to-do lists filled with items you likely will not even look at.

For additional resources and help with ADHD, contact McNay & Voth Coaching Services at www.coachADHD.com or 316-771-7557.

Be Mindful at Christmas

The sign at a local school immediately caught my attention: Be Mindful of Parking Procedures.

“Ha! ” I said aloud.

Right away Husband jumped and asked. “What?”

“It says be mindful of the procedures. It did not say ‘ follow the rules ’ ‘heed procedures’, or even ‘ watch out for children’. It says ‘be mindful’.”

“Isn’t that one of the terms you always use when talking about ADHD?”

“Yes, it is,” I said. “I challenge persons to be mindful of behaviors associated with ADHD, especially as those behaviors reoccur in their children or spouses with ADHD. I tell them to stand back and observe or pay attention on purpose without being judgmental and with a focus for being in the moment.”

“What is that suppose to mean?”

“Basically, it means a person can intentionally observe, describe, or even take part in the moment without becoming all emotional or defensive. We talk about being mindful of God’s presence. Knowing He is with us doesn’t stress us out or cause us to be upset.”

“It might, if we feel guilty enough.”

“That’s a different topic. Being mindful of God’s presence helps us to relax and it reduces stress. For Christians, it helps us remember He brings forgiveness and peace, if we are willing to accept them.”

“So does this have something to do with parking lots?”

“Not in religious terms. I just think it is curious they used the word mindful.  But mindfulness in general can help persons with ADHD reduce a sense of stress. It can also help family who get frustrated with the ADHD member.”

“Now you are getting personal.”  He turned and scowled at me.

“Not that I couldn’t, but seriously, this is not all about you. Mindfulness can allow an individual a sense of flexibility. It is looking at behaviors in a new perspective and even with new sensitivity. Mindfulness also helps with building the attention center of the brain. The more an individual regulates or focuses his or her attention to being mindful, the more he or she thickens the attention center. Meditation or focus does a similar thing. We can call it mindful mediation.”

“So it is a matter of how and when we are mindful?”

“You got it. For example, we can mindfully eat a meal at a slower pace and focus on the taste of the food. We can mindfully reflect on what Christmas means and meditate on God’s goodness.”

If you are a person with ADHD, you and your spouse and children can benefit from the practices of mindfulness during the holiday season and the end of the year:

1.    Meditate on the meaning of the season.

2.   Be mindful of your traditions for celebrating and how you can make things easier.

3.   Practice meditation to dispel old habits and contemplate how you want to live in the future.

4.   Make time throughout each day to listen to the quiet around you.

If you wish to take a fresh approach to living with ADHD, and have questions about ADHD or the practice of mindfulness and ADHD, contact McNay & Voth ADHD Coaching at www.coachadhd.com.

 

 

Christmas Cheer

While we were driving and looking at Christmas lights, I wistfully said, “Remember our first Christmas together? Do you remember the little table-top tree and ornaments? How about the pink caftan robe I made for you?”

Husband concentrated on his driving. Finally he asked, “What brought that up?”

“Oh, you know. I get nostalgic when I think of the many Christmas celebrations we enjoyed when our kids were little.”

“They weren’t born that first year,” he pointed out with a smirk.

“I realize that. But I think of Oldest Daughter’s first Christmas when she was five weeks old. I remember wrapping our presents with pink ribbons to commemorate her birth, and I remember her first pair of jeans that your sister bought her.”

Husband continued to smirk. He often tells me he draws frames of pictures in his head as he listens.

As I plunged ahead with my memories, I continued, “Then there was Crown Prince’s first Christmas when he was two months old, and your sister bought him his first pair of jeans, too.”

“Is this about my sister’s buying habits?” I could tell he was not too thrilled with this conversation.

“No, I think it is about true happiness at Christmas. Each baby brought immense joy and happiness at his or her first Christmas. Even when the money was tight, we were happy as a family.”

“When was it not tight at Christmas?” Husband growled.

“OK, that aside,” I agreed, “I wish to continue remembering happy moments from the past.”

“So are you the Ghost of Christmas Past? Long past or just your past?”

“Very good Ebenezer.”

“So, where is this conversation leading?”  I don’t think he likes to dwell on joyful thoughts.

“The emphasis of Christmas lies on the small pieces of happiness of being with family and doing things for others. The best memories do not highlight certain gifts as much as they do the times of being with people who are near and dear.”

He didn’t catch the part about not highlighting gifts. “One of my best Christmas gifts was the pogo stick Grandma and Grandpa Lutz bought for me in 1959. See, I even remember the year. They bought it just for me and my needs.”

“Was it the toy or the fact Grandma and Grandpa gave it? “

“Yes,” he responded in his usual way.

Christmas is not always joyful for the person with ADHD. It can be a huge challenge for him or her in terms of money and empathy. This year, help your person with ADHD appreciate his or her own strengths by encouraging one small volunteer service. It will give your person the confidence to focus on others instead of his or her own needs.

For more information on how you can help your family member with ADHD or yourself, contact McNay & Voth ADHD Coaching Services at www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7557.