Anger management is a hot topic among persons with ADHD and their families, and I don’t mean that as a pun.
Read any piece of literature or a study describing ADHD, and you will likely find a myriad of discussion linking anger to the individual with ADHD.
Anger can raise its ugly head in all types of everyday activity.
I recall an outburst early in our dating days when I attempted to pass along a compliment Nurse Lois made about the color of his eyes. I can’t recall the pressure or comment that put him into a hostile frame of mind, but I do know that when he yelled at me, I wanted to reach across the car seat and slap him back. That is how his tone and words felt to me, like a slap on the face.
Of course his anger becomes amusing when it is directed at others such as when he receives annoying phone calls.
Many incoming calls seem like a waste of time to him, and conversations on his end often bring a smile. For example after moments that make him feel antsy, he might say, “Are you still on my phone? Well, get off it.” He also has no problem just hanging up when the other person pushes his inward buttons too far.
Honestly I wish I exhibited that type of grit every now and then. I really admire his ability to not care what the person on the other end of the phone line thinks or feels. “Why should I care,” he says, “It isn’t as if they can see me.”
His explosions of anger can also take a more physical form.
I remember the time he felt frustrated with life in general and a task he was doing in specific. I mean, when he becomes nervous and agitated, anger seems to build up in him.
It was before we had kids, when we had two dogs, Louise and Lawrence (Bo). Bo was really Husband’s buddy, who happened to get under foot one afternoon during a tense project. Husband picked up an empty bucket and slammed it against Bo’s small body.
The dog yelped, flew up into the air, and landed almost lifeless. Thinking he had killed pitiable Bo, I was horrified. Husband panicked and cradled Bo as he cried and cried. After he recovered, poor Bo never again got too close to Husband. Instead, he made huge circles around Husband’s presence probably fearful for his life.
A couple of years later, Husband got mad at Louise for what she did to his side of the bed the evening I cooked beef liver for our meal. I always prepared extra for the dogs because Louise enjoyed it. Husband was hungry and ate her portion, and when she came to the table to ask for some, I said, “I’m sorry, but Daddy ate yours.” The look she gave him would have killed, and later that night as we pulled down bedcovers, we found that she had left a gift of dog poo on his pillow.
He turned ashen and red and looking straight at me, he moaned about what she had done. The expression on his face was classic, and I leaned on the post and laughed until I couldn’t breathe. However, I quickly came to life when he went in search of her with the purpose of destroying her. “I am going to kill that damn dog,” he yelled loud enough to cause her to literally hide from him for several days.
Earlier in the years of marriage and raising children, Husband often became frustrated with the responsibilities of being head of house, and the safety valve on his emotions would begin to blow. Much of that steam was directed at me. Fortunately for him, he never considered hitting me, and he now knows that name calling is not allowed. He also knows that loud noises do not constitute communication.
Distractions do continue to irritate and aggravate him. One Sunday night we attended Bible Study where Edward sat at the same table with us, and with his work-worn hands he unconsciously rubbed the deep grains on his leather Bible.
All Husband could hear was the swish, swish sound which totally distracted his attention. He turned at me with an angry growl and snarl across his countenance.
In a staccato pattern he said, “ Atha. I. Am. Going. To knock. That old man. Right out of his chair.”
Anger lurks at the core of Husband’s thinking each day of his life. His psychiatrist would likely say it has become a part of his personality, and I would say it is the result of immense frustrations built up from life-long experiences. It is difficult for him to control; it is almost impossible for him not to hold grudges for decades, and it is imperative I serve as an external mechanism of control that his brain cannot produce inwardly.
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