Putting the Command in Center

Let’s get this straight; all I know about the value of a Command Center I learned from personal experience and common sense.

As a matter of fact, the term Command Center wasn’t even a trendy phrase when I first put the principles to use over 20 years ago. My neighbors took similar actions, and we just thought of it as getting it together.

On a recent TV program I suggested that moms with ADHD be certain they have their Command Centers developed as they help themselves and their family get out the door each morning for school or work.

My daughter, Sarah, even designed an illustration of a Command Center to show the viewing audience, and I’ve included it below for you to see in case you missed seeing the program.

What is a Command Center? It’s the place you park your family calendar, leave notes for each other, and garage necessary items such as your purse and keys, school backpacks, homework, and notes to the school. It is where husbands and dads can leave their briefcase and grab it as they go out the door.

How do you put a Command Center together in your own home? Think of it as a custom design. What is a central area of your home that your family uses every day? Is it the kitchen? Is it the area near your main entrance door? Is it as you step outside to the garage? Then decide if you need a small table or bench at that area. Will you include some sort of baskets? The answers to these and other questions will come from how you want to use your command center. Is it nearby where the family hang coats and jackets? Can kids and adults grab shoes here as they go out the door?

We began using space in the kitchen where I kept my mom calendar and a series of hanging pockets for school notes and other important papers. We expanded it by keeping my husband’s brief case near the exit when my husband left for work. As a matter of fact, I purchased a trendy soft-sided case for him to carry back and forth to work. Even though it was obviously a brief case, he jokingly referred to it as his purse. That worked. He placed his keys and wallet in it before going to bed, and I put his lunch in it each morning. Sarah, Kyle, and Anna soon followed his example by sitting their backpacks in the same area before they went to bed.

It’s important to stress that signed papers and homework where organized in those bags.

You can effectively develop your own Command Center or grab-and-go center in the most convenient room of your home. I often suggest families paint the inside of a kitchen cabinet door with chalkboard paint or hanging a dry erase board in the kitchen.  Use that handy space to post notes to each other. You can build a Command Center from there.

We don’t use a Command Center these days because our children are grown adults, and my husband has retired, but as I write this, I am convicted that it would be a great idea to initiate it again, even if only for my own organization.

For those of you who develop a Command Center as the result of our program and this blog, I invite you to contact us at McNay & Voth, www.coachadhd.com and let us know how you did it and how it is working for you.

Back to School for the Mom with ADHD

Here it is time to get kids ready for a new school term. It is a time that can be stressful for any mother. It is especially stressful for the mom who has ADHD herself.

It can all add up: school supplies, new clothes, completing enrollment, dreading the new routine.  

I am not a person with ADHD, but those traditional responsibilities put stress on me. I can only imagine what they do to the mom with ADHD.

Mothers with ADHD often have difficulty helping their kids get organized because they themselves struggle with basic organization in the home. Mothers may struggle so much they become super stringent and inflexible which can lead to arguments or tension each morning.

The thought of everyone going back to school may sound delicious to the ADHD mom until she stops and remembers the tension, swirl of activity, and even the arguments that take place many mornings as the household prepares for work and school.

For example, there is the mad dash to find shoes, backpacks, or car keys. Before that there may be the argument with the child who does not want to get out of bed or even go to school. As a person with ADHD herself, it may be the mom is walking around in a mental fog trying to think what she should do next.

A few of you may laugh, but you know who you are. You know it is all too true.

           This is the time the mom with ADHD should put herself first. Before mother can help her kids, she must think of several of her own needs:

                            

           If it is difficult to cook, feed the kids, and get out the door on time, the mom with ADHD might choose breakfast foods that are easy to prepare: peanut butter sandwiches and fruit smoothies, cheese sticks and sliced fruit, cold cereal with a high protein ingredient. 

            If she wants a clean kitchen before leaving for work, she can include time in the schedule to rinse cereals bowls and other utensils.  
 

I consistently recommend a Control Center in the house where mom can gather notes from teachers, garage book bags and other needed items, keep a record of upcoming appointments, and possibly keep her own purse and car keys. The Control Center helps mom and kids house items they will need every morning, and everyone can remember where to pick up those items. 

Along the lines of routine, moms with ADHD often do best with three or four easy steps such as dress, eat, brush teeth, leave.  For an added bonus, moms with ADHD might benefit from posting a morning schedule on white board.

My mother-in-law, whom we strongly suspicion was a person with ADHD, worked as a stay-home mom, and she had her own way of being organized as she rounded up four kids for elementary school. It challenged her to get herself ready for driving them to school, but she also had to cook breakfast, soothe bickering, and help dress four kids ages 10-5. Actually, Betty was somewhat casual about the whole ordeal. She didn’t worry about how clean her house looked or if she appeared to be a supermom.  She focused on the important: get them fed and out the door.  Not really knowing she provided structure for herself, she volunteered at the school each morning selling school supplies or acting as a teachers’ helper, and that gave her motivation to get herself together and get out the door.  Even we all four kids were in high school at the same time, she drove them to school, sometimes with her hair in rollers and in her nightgown. During the winter, she covered her gown with her fur coat and pulled on a pair of boots. I laugh when I think of how her teen-aged children reacted at her attire:  “For heaven’s sake mom, don’t get in an accident dressed like that, and if you do, don’t tell them you’re related to us.”

For more information on this topic, watch Dr. Atha on The Brett & Sierra Show:
http://www.kwch.com/brett-and-sierra-show/mcnay-voth-adhd-coaching-services/27322146

Building Self Esteem

This month we focused our local TV interviews on the problem of low self-esteem in women and girls with ADHD. 

Keep in mind that not all females with ADHD suffer with low self-esteem, but many do and the pain continues throughout the life time.

Women with ADHD in their 50’s and older often tell me, “Atha, it’s been like this all my life.”

You might ask, “How do we know the girl with ADHD has low self-esteem?”

That’s rather easy. She will tell us that: other kids do not like her at school, she cannot make new friends, the teacher and other students poke fun of her at school, or the kids at church seem to shut her out of the social interactions.

These types of statements hurt a parent’s heart. I know they hurt me whenever Anna said something similar.  I was ready to go to battle in her behalf. For instance, a youth minister’s wife once said she wanted to talk to me about Anna’s behavior during youth meetings.

“Before you begin,” I held up my hand. “Has anyone warned you about me? If you are concerned, I want to hear it. If you are going to complain, brace yourself.”

Fortunately she had a legitimate concern that I needed to address, and taking this back to self-esteem, parents want to know how they can help their child, teen, or young adult feel better about herself. The concern for Anna here had to do with social behavior that set her apart.

 Women's Self Esteem

For one suggestion, parents can help override low self-esteem with a basic mantra – brag, don’t nag.  I strongly recommend praise in areas where parents can do so genuinely: praise the girls sense of kindness, praise a skill in athletics, arts, music. Praise the girl when you catch her doing something outstanding. Praise the effort, not necessarily the outcome.

For another idea, girls benefit from the consistent support of parents who encourage when academic challenges seem overwhelming. Most communities have tutoring services or learning centers available, and many families contain members who are skilled in writing papers or working math problems. Either of these resources presents excellent support for learning the skills that challenge. The operant word is learning; it is not whether the girl earns straight A’s.

For a third suggestion, parents should be ready when the girl is put on the shelf socially. Parents can provide positive social settings such as at church, or a community organization. They can also help their daughter develop one-on-one friendships by overseeing her behavior with friends, by inviting a potential friend out for dinner or for an overnighter, or by taking part as a leader in church or community events.

One prominent social celebrity told me others often shut her out and poked fun of her when she was a child. “The pain is still with me,” she said. “I can’t imagine how bad it is for the ADHD girl in today’s technological world. Cyber bullies and hateful comments on Facebook means the girl cannot get away from it, even at home.”

One good friend can make a huge difference for the female with ADHD. So can staying alert to opportunities to express her unique talents.  As well, posting positive comments about herself around her living or work space will help her battle the urge to develop negative beliefs about herself.

Lastly and importantly, we know that ADHD coaching helps her set goals and be more effective in daily living.  Coaching helps females with ADHD of all ages with developmental skills, transitioning to adulthood, and with later adult functioning.

I Should Have Told Them Off

Thinking of how poor self esteem and other uninvited enemies hurt my youngest child in the past, I want to jump up and down and scream. I might even shake my fists.

Poor self esteem is a huge issue for many children with ADHD, especially girls. For one thing, we tend to overlook ADHD symptoms in girls. They don’t cause enough trouble. For another, girls with ADHD often do not realize why they don’t perform or behave like their peers. They express being confused.

Recently I discussed this issue with my own daughter, Anna, who is a woman with ADHD.  Now that she is grown and successful in many areas, she gives me many wise perspectives on what it is like to be ADHD, female, and to live with a low self esteem.

Watch here as Dr. Atha, Brett, and Sierra continue their discussion on ADHD. In this segment, they discuss the effect ADHD can have on a person's self-esteem.

I’ll let her tell her it: “I constantly felt like I was being teased. I mean most people can tell themselves they are awesome in some fashion. I couldn’t.

“It was always ‘You don’t do this right, Anna. You don’t do that.’”

She gave me an example from her 6^th grade year in middle school: “I was wearing my sweatshirt inside out. That was the style that year. I overheard Andrea, who I thought was my friend, telling another girl that she didn’t like what was on her own shirt, and the other girl suggested she turn it inside out.  Andrea replied that she thought it looked dumb to turn it inside out. ‘Anna has her’s inside out,’ said the girl. Andrea said, ‘Anna is a huge dork.’ Of course it added to my hurt feeling and poor self-image.

“I didn’t know that in a few years she was going to be popular because she screwed every guy who asked.”

Anna paused before she said: “I should have told her off right then, but it is difficult for a person to do that because of being so sensitive.”

I knew she was saying that the girl with ADHD will not likely hold up for herself due to her low self esteem and lack of confidence.

“Maybe I was super sensitive. Or do other kids target ADHD classmates more?”

I reminded Anna that she was always an intelligent student who did well with her grades. I know she worked at keeping her focus to the point she totally wiped out emotionally by the end of the day.

“That’s just it. I was not hard to be around. Sure I made silly comments in class, but I wasn’t sent to the principal. Up to my freshman year I was shorter, and when I did gain height, I didn’t want to be taller because I lacked the self-esteem for it.”

As her mother, I recall how often I intervened for Anna, and when I think of those times, I still want to punish others in her defense.  I can only hope some of those so-called school classmates have matured a bit now they are 30 years old. I hope teachers and a principal grew wiser, too.

In high school, Anna’s intellect caused teachers to respond well to her. They asked me what I did to raise her to be such a quality person. She had good relationships with them to the point she called them only by their last names (Hi, Copeland), and they seemed to genuinely like her.

But high school teachers could do little to improve her social acceptance. The pattern had been established long before in the kindergarten class. I monitored the class setting many times because Mrs. McCarty did not like little girls who wiggled and squirmed.

Anna tells me: “Persons without ADHD have the wrong perception of people like me. And people like me experience loads of actual teasing, and because they are sensitive, they are genuinely hurt. In high school I jumped from groups of friends, never having a steady group I called my own.”

I wonder if this is true for many persons with ADHD. I hear it often from young adults and even older adults with ADHD. They often feel friendless. Totally friendless.

“Comments came from a certain set of other students.  I should have told them to f-off. I had the language; I just didn’t have the confidence.

“I didn’t recognize that other high school kids were insecure. I didn’t know they didn’t matter.”

Likely many of us didn’t realize that other high school students didn’t matter, but our emotional intelligence helped us realize that we would eventually move forward without for their acceptance.

I suggest that girls and women with ADHD have a difficult time moving on, and the pains associated with low self esteem continue to eat away at personal confidence