The Worm God

Today I talked with Husband’s psychiatrist, and one of her comments was about his keen sense of humor. “He is really funny”, she said.

I outwardly agreed, but inwardly I wondered how she would evaluate the worm-god incident that took place in our home several years ago.

Ron, whom we have known since all of us were early 20something, talked about it for years afterward.

A friend was leaving to attend seminary, and we invited maybe two dozen church acquaintances for a going-away gathering. Everyone crowded around tables of food and activities designed for a positive send-off of this warm and fun lady. The afternoon was upbeat and casual.

I remember the sun shining through the patio doors, and select smiling faces. Chatter and comments bounced around the room until I heard a collective gasp of breath and immediate laughter.

As I looked toward the stairs leading up to the bedrooms, I couldn’t believe it. Husband’s voice broke the laughter as he stood there in a hastily designed costume.

Over his swim trunks, he wore a large white towel pinned like a diaper and another towel wrapped like a turban over his head. His chest and feet were bare, and there was an object in his hand like a scepter. It was the back brush I bought from Avon.

“I am the worm god,” he announced in a deep and royal voice.

Honestly, I cannot tell you what else he said. I cannot remember why he chose such a costume or public display. We never drink or serve alcohol, and he does not do recreational drugs.

I do remember people commenting on the expression on my face. To say I was incredulous would be an extreme understatement. I was totally shocked, and I likely turned a grayish-white color.

He stood there with his scepter high in the air, talking about his kingdom of worms.

It seems several people were competing with stories about cleaning up yards and other activities associated with early fall. Someone said something about how worms could take care of leaves and other foliage. Possibly it was Husband who mentioned the worms in attempt to justify his practice of getting out of lawn work.

All I know I was not involved in the conversation, and those who were tried to outdo each other in their comments on worms and worm gods. They probably dragged it out too long, and within that group, rivalry was not unusual.

In those days Husband could not resist the temptation for one-upmanship. One of the guests remembers that as he stood on the landing, he burst out in a mock spiritual chant. “All, hail, the mighty worm god!”  That just sent people into deeper fits of laughter.

I continued to stand there wondering what in the world was happening. However, I don’t remember being surprised that he would pull such a stunt. When I mention impulsive behaviors, I know what I am talking about because he is a master of impulsivity or the lack of inhibition. That was definitely not inhibited behavior.

I think anyone else would have been a laughing stock, but Husband has always been the comedian and source of humor. People like him, even when he does something as extreme as being the worm god. At times, he needs immediate reinforcement and attention, but without that need, I would not have these interesting stories to share.

Impulsive Comments

As a teen, our first-born daughter worked at McDonald’s where she often manned the drive-through window. You know how these look: the speaker and screen are in the first part of the drive, then the car turns the corner to the first window to pay. That is where my daughter stood. One summer evening, we pulled in for a beverage. My husband heard our daughter’s voice and said, “I want a road-kill sandwich with extra mustard.”  Our daughter said, “Excuse me?” then quickly added. “Dad, is that you?”

It seems our now-adult kids thought his comments were greatly embarrassing when they were teens, but now they find comfort in the memories. Ironically, they tell me not to encourage him.

As are many persons with ADHD, my husband is spontaneous with his comments, which he thinks are really quite funny. Many are actually off-the-wall. Once before we dated, he approached me at college with one of his front pockets turned inside-out. When I commented about it, he said, “That’s my one-eared elephant trick.”  Think about it.

Several years ago, when our pastor led the church campaign to raise money for a new worship center, it seemed that was all we heard about when we weren’t in worship. During that time period the pastor came to choir rehearsal and asked for a volunteer to buy a large-screen TV and VCR for training and teaching tapes. Husband immediately retorted: “We can’t afford to; we are trying to buy a new building.” Choir members told me they all roared with laughter because his comment was so timely and quick.

I may laugh at his jokes, but I don’t laugh when his comments are extremely childish. His spontaneous remarks can be so immature I tell him he seems silly, or I attempt to ignore what he says. Just last week, we saw a woman who was wearing portable oxygen paraphernalia in public. Behind her tube and small mask we saw a bluish tint under her nose and around her chin. As she walked past us, Husband said loudly, “It’s a good thing our son is not here.” By this he referred to the time when our son as a toddler saw a woman with think facial hair above her lip. Of course the little guy pointed out loudly “Mom, this lady gots a mustache.” We tried to ignore Husband’s implication.

Ignoring him is especially difficult in a public setting where others tell him how funny he is, and he looks at me with the smile and the smirk. With them, he is telling me “look others accept and appreciate me and my splendid cleverness.”

That acceptance is most important to him. Throughout elementary and high school, he was on the receiving end of taunts or ridicule because he was heavier than most peers and because he exhibited ADHD symptoms. His comments came quickly as they were, but he purposely refined his degree of humor as do many children with ADHD or learning disabilities. It became his buffer against the maliciousness that children can expertly hurl at other children.

He isn’t always a smart mouth. We often enjoy deep and meaningful conversations, and he frequently responds and comments in public with helpful information and pertinent thinking, so that others admire his depth of understanding and knowledge. People in our Bible-study group find him profound and insightful.

And I desire this reaction. I want others to like him and acknowledge his talents. It is important people accept him in spite of ADHD and the comorbid conditions the disorder produces in his life.

More Thoughts on Communication

My husband once yelled at me, “Do you know what it is like to be married to someone who is so damn efficient?

I merely smiled as I calmly replied, “No, Dear, I do not.”

What a moment! He walked head-on into my rejoin and laughter. It was a fantastic opportunity that allowed us time for brief conversation on why I have learned to increase my efficiency skills: namely his lack of efficiency.

Frankly, those types of opportunities do not happen often. They almost never happen when we can laugh together at the irony. Usually, my anger at his ADHD behaviors builds until I want to explode. I become cranky and difficult to live with.

How does one speak with the ADHD partner or teen about a consistent irritation without explosion and argument?

Begin at the beginning and build on the relationship when life is going smoothly. Gift your partner or teen with a sense of acceptance, which can go a long way in helping him or her realize personal uniqueness and strength.

After all the symptoms that comprise ADHD are merely that, symptoms, and symptoms can be controlled.

Praise and encouragement go a long way in building relationships. Praise your partner at home for small acts of courtesy and the times he or she follows through. Then, when you are in public with your partner, remain consistent in the manner in which you honor and respect in front of others.

Don’t criticize or embarrass your spouse in front of others. For one thing, you hurt that person deeply. For another, lacking internal control, he or she is likely to say something more hurtful or to hold a grudge for several years. Just don’t go there, and avoid the trouble

Love is an action word. Show and express genuine love for your partner. Smile, touch, and say “I love you.” Compliment his or her appearance. Husbands if your wife is a person with ADHD, she really needs to know that you find her attractive in ways other than sexual.  Let your partner know you value him or her.

I know how difficult it can be to maintain a pleasant attitude or smile when the partner or teen says something totally outrageous or inappropriate in public.  I know how to set boundaries before you enter a situation: “If you choose to make cutting comments to that individual this evening, know I will choose to walk out of the room.” Because I know these things, I can recommend you practice them, too.

You have likely heard that it is best to choose our battles wisely, which is more than excellent wisdom when living with the ADHD partner. Know your family member’s push buttons and resolutely avoid them because the person who will more likely remain in control is you.

Your partner or teen with ADHD has lived life feeling as if he or she is being backed into a corner. Throughout school and work, the individual has likely felt criticized, devalued, and generally put down. Often when he or she feels you are chastising or critical, he or she gets ready for a fight.

My husband has developed the art of cutting remarks, using a loud voice, and even bullying.  I had to learn to boldly tell him that I would not accept him talking to me in that manner.

I also had to learn how to pick the moment to tell him when something bothers me. Even after all these years, it is not always easy to do. I remember what his mother told me before we married. “When you want him to really know what you think or feel, chisel it on a piece of marble.” In her humorous way, she mimicked the size of the block of marble and how to chisel it. “Then,” she said with the cunning smile which is quite like his, “Lift it about this high and BLAM, hit him between the eyes with it.”

In a figurative manner, she told me not to leave our communication up to innuendos.

Absence Makes the Heart Lonely

This week I took a trip without Husband. He stayed home with school responsibilities while I flew to the west coast for drive back in the direction of the central states with our daughter.

She demonstrates similar humor as her dad without being ADHD, and I take pleasure in conversations and time spent with her. However, obviously, she is not he, and she is not the spontaneous thinker and speaker that he is.

The truth is that I missed Husband during those three days.

For one thing, I missed his quiet strength on the highway. He drives protecting me, and he notices every little activity in the scenery around us. I missed hearing “Look at that” every few miles when I do not see “that”. Usually I concentrate on the road and cars around us for fear he might not be focusing.

For another, I missed not having to closely supervise his belongings as well as my own when we left the hotels. In past years, Husband has left several items of clothing in hotels when he packed to come home. I know I had better take another walk around the room before we check out and make certain he has everything. Does that make him sound as if he is a five-year-old child? No, he is not, but he can be quite forgetful.

I missed his joking and teasing with me with highly creative comments. As a person with ADHD, he exhibits much creativity, just as I mentioned in a previous blog post. Today he asked about his bizarre comments, and I can attest that some of his joking does seem bizarre. However, much of the time it is so unexpected or suitable that it takes a second or less for me to catch on before I burst out in explosive laughter.

Another thing I missed his impatience and ability to get mad easily. Traffic and other drivers customarily irritate him. He gets mad because of the pressure associated with driving, and he expresses it by throwing words and comments at other drivers like throwing stones or punches. It is a type of road rage, and I missed not feeling responsible about keeping the rage under control.

I was keenly mindful that I did not need to think for another adult. He was not there to shift much of the decision-making onto me. He was also not there to insist on having his own way as he often does when he wants dominion over where we go and when we do it. He was not there to take control when it would have been nice for him to do so.

Lastly, I missed his presence. Just knowing he is in the room or in this case, the car, creates a sense of completeness and peace for me. Being married to a person with ADHD is not always a matter of stress or being accountable for another’s motivations or focus. It is a matter of appreciating the differences in the way he thinks and behaves.

Today’s comments are not presented as facetious sarcasm. I meant as I said. I missed Husband and all of the quirks I expect to see in his daily behavior.

In the Brain, On the Tongue, Out the Mouth

Early in the semester of the college English class in which we met, my husband and I were assigned to the same discussion team.

One assignment involved a stream of consciousness narrative in which a European explorer seduced and raped an African-village chief’s daughter. At the end of the story, readers discovered that the explorer was reviewing the story as he sat imprisoned in a hut. As punishment, the chief had ordered his tongue cut off for having sex with the princess.

The stranger, who would one day become my husband, turned to me and said. “It seems to me that the chief had them cut off the wrong body part.”

Yes, of course I laughed because it was so spontaneous and funny.

My husband often calls those types of spontaneous comments as “in the brain, on the tongue, out the mouth.”

When we first met, my husband was not a church-goer, and had seldom attended formal worship. He didn’t know the social mores associated with being in the “House of God”, nor did he have a clue there were acceptable or inacceptable behaviors inside the church building.

During one service, he was really captivated by the new things he was hearing in the powerful presentation of a guest speaker. The expression on his face conveyed he was completely mesmerized by it, so as he slipped his arm around my shoulders, he said in a highly audible voice, “Shit! I never thought of that!” Of course, I bent over and laughed in my lap. Not only me, but I am willing to swear that shoulders as far as three rows in front of us shook with giggles.

He looked at me in shock and said, “What?”

A few weeks later, one of our friends from college and a fellow church member saw my husband arranging the hair on his moustache after a church meeting. Her comment was, “Oh, don’t pick your nose!” to which he immediately retorted, “It’s better than picking my ass, isn’t it?” 

He has a way of saying things like that, which are a total a surprise. Of course, after all these years, I am more surprised when he doesn’t blurt out an inappropriate response.

My mother loved to tell of the time the three of us made a special trip to a restaurant, which was famous for homemade pies, about 50 miles from home. Mother and my husband loved pies, especially egg custard pie, so they were settled and waiting for the waitress to take orders for pie and coffee. We waited and waited. We waited some more, drinking several glasses of water. I was in favor of leaving, but my husband was set to have a slice of pie. The poor elderly woman who served our table seemed tired, and her feet likely hurt, but those details likely escaped my husband. When I saw that look cross his face, I knew he was about to speak. He raised his hand, snapped his finger, and in a loud voice addressed the waitress, “Oh, Flash, Flash.”

Mother laid her head on the table and laughed until the tears flowed.

Like the child who gets enthused, the adult with ADHD must sometimes speak without thought of the moment or the appropriateness of the comment.

I Recommend 2

Both partners in an ADHD marriage should read the following three books. At this point, I imagine my daughter with ADHD saying: “Are you kidding me? There are too many pages. The person with ADHD would be overwhelmed before starting.”  OK. Read these books with or to your ADHD partner.

I first read the book, Honey, Are You Listening, 15 or 20 years ago when I struggled with the symptoms my husband displayed, and I feverishly searched the Internet and bookstores for all information that could give me help and insight into the condition. This book proved foundational for the progress both Husband and I have made in the world of ADHD. In it, Dr. Rick Fowler openly tells about his life as a person with ADHD, and along with his wife, Jeri, shares tips on how to be a non-ADHD partner of a person with ADHD. As well they impart wisdom into how they raised their son who is also a person with ADHD. It was this book that gave me the first glimpse of hope for Husband and our marriage. Until I read it, I believed my husband willfully set out to annoy and antagonize me. However, when Dr. Fowler expressed sorrow that ADHD caused him to frustrate the person he loves most in life, I grasped that Husband didn’t want to irritate me any more than I wanted him to. You should check your bookstore for the revised edition of this book.

Dr. Ed Hallowell and Dr. John Ratey wrote the second must-have for the ADHD family entitled Driven to Distraction. The Preface begins with Dr. Hallowell admitting: “I discovered I had ADD when I was 31 years old near the end of my training in child psychiatry”. Just as Husband said about himself, Hallowell was elated to hear there was a name for what he was, and that he was not the only person who exhibited the symptoms. The book uses realism, humor, and a scholarly approach to help the person with ADHD comprehend and clarify what the disorder signifies and its biological foundation. The book also exhibits compassion and empathy for the child, adolescent, and adult with ADHD, and because it has a section of tips for children and adults, I consider this my encyclopedia volume 1 for helps with being married to a person with ADHD.  Dr. Hallowell is considered one of the leading authorities on ADHD, and he truly understands the turmoil associated the person who did not receive diagnosis until later in life. He writes on page 263: “at last there is a reason for all the suffering the person has endured through the years.”

The third must-read is Delivered from Distraction, also written by Hallowell and Ratey. The subtitle says much about its content: Getting the most out of life with Attention Deficit Disorder. If their first book is volume 1 of the encyclopedia, then this is definitely volume 2. Chapter 39 offers Top Tips for Adults ADD. Chapter 40, What Kind of Mate is Best if You have ADHD, begins with the profound statement that ADHD does not define the person. Hallowell admits the best mate is the person you love and with whom you want to spend the rest of your life in cohabitation. One of his statements on page 314 stands out to me concerning marriage patterns he often sees in adults with ADHD: “they fall in love with, or marry someone who resembles a caricature of a bad fifth-grade teacher - someone who is controlling, demeaning, belittling, and very well organized.” I hope I have not been either of the first three of those entities because I love Husband more than any other person on earth. I see his talents and strengths and want to help bring the best to the surface. With examples taken from actual non-ADHD spouses, Hallowell has encouraged me over and over in my role as the non-ADHD partner. One poignant statement from another non-ADHD wife says that “relationship is about teamwork”. That’s my desire for our marriage.

Spousal Anger

Winston Churchill said, “Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.” Today, spouses of persons with ADHD may have an attitude.

Attitude materialized the day I noticed the trash was collecting next to our garage. The trash hasn’t been picked up in three weeks,” I complained, “I’m going to phone the company.” “I wouldn’t do that,” he said. “I haven’t paid the bill this month, and I cancelled our account.” With a wide-eye stare, I asked why he made that decision. Nonchalantly he merely said, “I wanted to use the money for something else.”

Let’s cut straight to the issue with honesty and openness. When an adult has ADHD, the condition can cause the spouse much stress and anger as a result of  imprudent decisions that wound.

Husbands and wives of persons with ADHD, you will deal with anger.

Anger can destroy relationships. Since you are associated with someone with ADHD, I recommend you learn to deal with anger. Learn not to take the offense personally, and learn to focus on your spouse’s strengths.

My husband saw paying bills as an insurmountable task. Much of what he knew about it, he learned from his mother. He didn’t know how to try harder in that area. He knew countless other things, though, such as how to grow vegetables and how to cook them, how to treat me with respect both at home and in public, and how to help friends in need.

Based on what I knew about his strengths, I used my strengths to be more aware of our finances and bills.

Practice forgiveness. After all, your spouse is not always obnoxious, does complete a few tasks, and may not intend to yank your chain. Forgiveness is a choice, which means it is an act of will. Dr. Fred Luskins (*) says that forgiveness allows you to gain or retain your power.

Your spouse’s ADHD can be a catalyst for anger, but let me remind you that marriage itself can trigger anger. Then, if your partner is always late, frequently makes bad financial choices, recurrently engages in risky behavior, and habitually fails to perform essential chores, anger builds and builds. Do not become discouraged or surprised by this.

The qualities that attracted you to your partner may be the same that tears the relationship apart. In the early days, his or her ability to dance with the moment captivated you. Now you long for a partner who plans ahead or follows a routine. Possibly distinctive humor charmed you; now it is an irritant. Maybe when he or she did not pay bills on time, you once saw it as a form of control. Today you may see it as lack of responsibility.

Conflict resolution is in order. Simply put, conflict resolution means talking about it with the offender.  Healthy and well-presented confrontation is necessary for healthy relational growth. Of course, conflict resolution involves two roles: the confronter and confronted.

Your partner with ADHD may resist confrontation. You must learn how to present him or her with facts in a manner that will not worsen the situation. Learn how to best communicate.

If you determine to become a learner in each situation you will avoid getting bogged in the mire of blame and accusations. Instead ask yourself questions such as: What am I assuming about my partner? What part of his or her behavior is my responsibility? What choices do I have in how I react to him or her?

If you are angry at your ADHD partner, I wholly recommend both of you meet with a professional because there are probably some issues you just cannot handle alone. Although I encourage you to have a spiritual foundation for life, I do not recommend your pastor, priest, or spiritual advisor. Your professional might be a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a Social Worker who can provide coaching, or a Psychologist who can offer counseling. It is important you find a professional that understands ADHD.

(*) Luskin, F. (2002). Forgive for Good. New York: HarperCollins Publishers.